Saturday, April 25, 2020
Write What You Know ~ by Matt Whiteside
I am not into this at all. If I am being honest and I feel I need to be, writing about writing feels silly to me. I am not in a great place, spiritually or mentally. My life has gone in such a strange direction since getting sober almost 2 years ago. The expression of expressing my every thought was to me, a newly sober man, uncharted territory. Writing became a way of charting my course and then reflecting on said course.
However, the past few months I have been completely over any of it. I haven’t been writing for my own self-understanding. I was not creating because I had an idea or felt the need to express. At some point, I began looking to manipulate and grab attention with what I did. I began writing and performing to garner higher attention and praise. I did and said things for the appeasement of others and not because I truly believed them.
I lost my integrity, so I stopped all the nonsense, I got off the stage. I got off social media, and I started to get honest again. Because honestly, I don’t like performing or writing all that much especially if it’s the thing that gives me value in the eyes of the world. I don’t want to win love from others by giving them what they want. I want to tear myself apart from floor to ceiling and leave a record of my soul.
I’m tired of trying to climb the ladder of success, for money and fame. I realized in trying to produce so much content in hopes of people loving what I was doing, I was losing myself. I forgot the little 7-year-old boy sitting at the kitchen table on an old typewriter, writing stories about aliens abducting everyone on earth except him, because it gave me life. I didn’t feel alone, I knew at 7 more about writing than I know now. At 7 I knew how alone I felt, bullied and abandoned. At 7 I understood intrinsically how to become the hero of a story, by creating a story. I felt alone, so I created a hero that was alone and in that, I was connected to something greater than myself. I connected to the source of all creation.
For some reason, I grew up. For some reason, I put the idea of fame and money in front of the purity of creation and honesty. Because, growing up we are taught you have to get serious, make money and leave a legacy. Well, to that I have to say, who gives a shit. How about real, unbridled connection with a force greater than myself. A connection with something deeper and more real than anything. A story that fills the need for connectivity. The writing that is profound is the writing that comes from the lowest place, the humblest of places. It comes from a need to connect, to feel that life has purpose. That there is some meaning beyond the suffering and torment of daily existence.
I want that back, and honestly, if no one ever reads or sees another thing I ever do I will be connected because I will be honest and I will create for me.
Listen to Matt Whiteside's podcast episode here.